Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Don't Get Cute with Me

There are many things I’m uncomfortable with when calling for technical support. I’m uncomfortable with agents trying to fill silences by asking how I’m enjoying the weather. I’m uncomfortable when they mispronounce my surname and/or street name (both of which are quite long, not to mention uncommon). I’m uncomfortable with their absurdly lame attempts at humor. Most of all, I’m uncomfortable when they try to be cute.

Ordinarily, I don’t mind having to call the Geek Squad (even though Best Buy’s higher-ups obviously stole the name from the movie Heathers and it’s bothered me for years). They make it pretty easy on the customer. After they verify some preliminaries, they set up a remote session and essentially handle the reins. In addition to one’s full name, telephone number, and street address, there is one vital piece of information needed to access the account. That is, of course, the registered e-mail.

For several years, I’ve had two e-mail accounts: one for all social networking and literary purposes, and a personal one for banking, online shopping, etc. The latter e-mail contains the word “delicious” (a reference to a song lyric) and almost always garners quips. If I’d known the name were so a provacative when I set up the account upwards of ten years ago, I probably would’ve chosen something else.

Moving rigt along.

I call the Geeks earlier today. I run down my issues and concerns. They ask for verification of the essentials. When it came time for my e-mail address, the agent added an “mmmm,” as if someoneone held a culinary masterpiece beneath his salivating lips, and repeated the word “delicious” in an odd, almost Cookie Monster-esque cadence.

“Mmmmm... Dee-leesh-isss...”

Thankfully, he recovered from whatever strange spell he’d temporarily fallen under and continued with the task at hand, which was probably a good thing, since my face was twisted in painful wince and I needed him to turn the page more than he ever could’ve imagined. He maintained a somewhat professional veneer for the remainder of the call and helped resolve the issue to the best of his abilities. I’m shuddering as I write this, though, because there isn’t a doubt in my mind that his voice and strange little attempt at cuteness will haunt my dreams for many nights to come.

“Mmmmmmm... Deeeeeeee-leeeeeeesh-issssssssssssss...”

Monday, September 19, 2016

When a Stranger Calls

I get annoying phone calls essentially every day. Telemarketers, pre-recorded scams, people who don’t speak English, random idiots... Today was a particularly active day, as I received somewhere around ten calls before 2:00 PM. Must be Mercury Retrograde.

A few minutes ago, I received a call while distracted by something else. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so I just left it. Moments later, I noticed I have a voicemail—a very long voicemail containing nothing but dead air. Annoyed, I decide to call back.

After a few rings, the call connects. There’s a lot of rustling, like the receiver is being dragged across a soft surface, or the other party literally didn’t know how a phone works. When I finally hear a voice, it belongs to a woman who sounds like she knows not who she is, where she is, or what’s happening. The following is our exact conversation:

ME: (annoyed by rustling) DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TALK?
WOMAN: (after brief silence) Y-yeah.
ME: Then why did you just leave me a blank voicemail?
WOMAN: Who...who is this?
ME: You should know, you just called me.
WOMAN: (long pause) Wr...wrong number.

True story.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Nothing Lasts Forever...Evidently

Here’s a quickie:

As some of you may or may not know, I got dumped via text message back in May. Yes, I know. Woe is me; wah, wah, wah. Earlier today, I remembered something this...person (I prefer “lying, selfish, self-centered, hollow-chested fuckwad,” but that’s neither here nor there) said to me during the course of our relationship. This is a direct quote, word for word. Ready?
“If I ever lost you, it would kill me.”
I should probably start perusing the obits.